no star restaurant

"I don't even eat there when I'm drunk."

Biggest Loser

A: I'm gonna lose weight.

B: Oh, I can lose weight faster than you.

A: Yeah?

B: Yeah, you give me one week I can lose 30 pounds.

A: ...How?

That could mean anything!

"....somewhat. In spite of what we've done."

But he had such a jaunty walk...

"So I'm just kind of stayin' in my little apartment, where the court ordered me not to go."

Well, they do need to eat....

"Moms. Single or otherwise, I don't know how they work full time."

morning meeting fuel

"It's never too early for chocolate chip cookies!"

Escape from campus

Overheard in a University of Michigan hallway, 10pm:

Student 1: Man, we need to go to Dearborn. I need to go to Dearborn.

Student 2: No, come to Sterling Heights!

School Parking Lot: Five Minutes Late

Dad and big sister are out of the car, little sister is stubbornly staying inside...

Dad: It looks like she's going to have to stay in the car all day while we go to school.

Big Sister: Hahaha! Say something else funny, Daddy!

early morning on campus

"So I just kept drinking."

riveting performance

Mom to young theater goer: "Well, before you fell asleep, did you like it?"

don't we all?

"I want an iPhone that does my laundry."

Blimpie Burger Virgin

She: I want one patty on a kaiser roll.
He: No you don't.

precious family moments

"I don't know who you think you are. You ain't nothin' but a little baby."

self awareness is a good thing.

"My whole face is a hot mess right now."

sage advice

college student 1: You gotta go with the flow.
college student 2: I can't go with the flow!
college student 1: You have to learn to go with the flow or you'll fail.

didn't expect that answer

As two little kids play with a baby:
Kid 1: Why did you kiss her butt?
Kid 2: Because she smells so delicious!

you're doing it wrong

Drunk guy shouting on the street: I'm trying to be your friend! You won't let me.

A Surprise Party?

Scene: Man and woman with their car parked in the middle of the street. They switch sides of the car. With much anger, she says, "Why are you hiding your phone?!?"

campsite warriors

As sticks clash:
Boy 1: We're samurais!   Boy 2: We're ninjas!

Boy 1: You're in samurai stance.
Boy 2: But I'm using ninja moves on you.

Water park entrance

Mom: Don't poop in the pool. We won't get our money back.