matching jackets

"I got mine from a Dumpster. He got his from the Gap."

No, Mr. double latte. No, you don't...

"Do I look like I'm holding??"

best(?) response ever

Angry yeller 1: "Go fuck yourself!"
Angry yeller 2: "I WILL!"

Moved to tears

"She just, like, sits at home eating Pop Tarts crying about how beautiful Selena Gomez is."

Don't Worry, Be Happy

"Dog, Dog!!! You don't gotta worry about that. They can figure that out for themselves."

you've come a long way, baby

"Guys, can you walk slower? I'm in heels."

trying to beat the crosswalk light

"Run!"
"I can't run! Elliot friggin slapped me in the nuts!"

birthday celebration

Woman 1: Did you hire a stripper?
Woman 2: No, I got her cupcakes.

One random conversation.

First woman: "And I told her, you can't really draw conclusions from a hedgehog."

Second woman: "Didn't Harry Potter have a hedgehog?"

Third woman: "No, that was Hedwig, his owl."

Fourth woman: "What is a hedgehog, anyway?"

campus hallway drama

Student on phone: I'm in class! I can't deal with your shit right now. BYE.

playground tears

"They kept tagging me and tagging me, and I TOLD them I wasn't even playing!"

Imagine two guys and a girl.

If pressed to guess what state they were from, you might guess a plains state.

Guy 1: Don't be climbin' in our windows.
Guy 2: Snatchin' your girlfriend up?

Guy talk

..."my mother. It was some European dude..."

Imagine a young woman around 16 years old

"I know my dad. And he'll say a lot of things. But I know he wouldn't say he want a DNA test when I look just LIKE his butt."

geekliest mama put-down evah!

"The annihilation of your face is very important to me. As is the annihilation of your mom."

Half of a phone call

"The dog ate my homework..."

"Yes, I respect you..."

"Great lies of our time."

Semester in Detroit recruitment table

Staff: If you're gonna take chips, you've got to take a flyer.
Student: But I just want chips!

thought you should know.

"Yeah, they said I got soft tissue damage. It's pretty much gone."

fired from McDonald's

I use paper plates at home. If I don't do dishes at home, what makes you think I'm gonna do dishes for y'all?

City bus philosopher

"A man-child's gotta learn to respect the woman; he's gonna behave the way he's brought up! See, there's a certain way to raise a man-child!... I don't know how to raise no female-child."

the party boat launches

party boater 1: WHOO! Let's get naked! Take it off!
party boater 2: Not yet!
party boater 1: Not yet?!?

picnic

"They had some good stuff, but nothing like American peanut butter!"

Envision a portly speaker

"I don't have anything big enough to fit his fat a...."

At the bus station

"I got a treat for you in my bag!"

Love the one you're with

Well, my girlfriend's in jail, but there's this other girl...

Super Sized

Girl one: You're done already?

Girl two: I threw it away. I only wanted a little bit.

Girl one: What size did you get?

Girl two: Medium.

Girl one: Why didn't you get a small?

Girl two: Cause I always think that a small is going to be, like, ridiculously small.

Girl one: Like a Canadian small.

at Redbox, discussing a Green Lantern DVD

Know-it-all son: "Duh, mom, it's obviously a cartoon. Look at the cover, it doesn't even have Brian [sic] Reynolds on it!"

Bitchy mom to bored kids

The kids had wandered over to a lottery ticket vending machine while mom paid for groceries. It had clearly been a long day. Mom: "Get back over here! It's against the law to even touch one of those if you're under eighteen!"

e-mail like it's 1999

Computer voice: You've got mail!

You have a mouse?

I have something that squeaks all the time. One time it squeaked all day long.

proper office attire

office worker 1: It's cleaning day.
office worker 2: I kinda forgot about that.
office worker 1: But your dress looks fabulous! We need a 360.

kids at the beach

"Come back! You know I can't go that far out! Plus, there might be sinkholes out there that don't stop! Like, you step in 'em and THEY. DON'T. STOP."

mystery meat

I'm like Ball Park Franks. You don't know what's in them.

Happy birthday, indeed

She: I might go to BeerFest on my birthday, but I don't know... It's like thirty-five bucks.
He: Yeah, it's expensive. But you get a LOT of beer.

Five

Dude, this is a fucking Japanese car. How many people do you think I
can fit in here?