Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Moved to tears

"She just, like, sits at home eating Pop Tarts crying about how beautiful Selena Gomez is."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

One random conversation.

First woman: "And I told her, you can't really draw conclusions from a hedgehog."

Second woman: "Didn't Harry Potter have a hedgehog?"

Third woman: "No, that was Hedwig, his owl."

Fourth woman: "What is a hedgehog, anyway?"

campus hallway drama

Student on phone: I'm in class! I can't deal with your shit right now. BYE.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

playground tears

"They kept tagging me and tagging me, and I TOLD them I wasn't even playing!"

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Imagine two guys and a girl.

If pressed to guess what state they were from, you might guess a plains state.

Guy 1: Don't be climbin' in our windows.
Guy 2: Snatchin' your girlfriend up?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Imagine a young woman around 16 years old

"I know my dad. And he'll say a lot of things. But I know he wouldn't say he want a DNA test when I look just LIKE his butt."

Friday, September 30, 2011

geekliest mama put-down evah!

"The annihilation of your face is very important to me. As is the annihilation of your mom."

Half of a phone call

"The dog ate my homework..."

"Yes, I respect you..."

"Great lies of our time."

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

fired from McDonald's

I use paper plates at home. If I don't do dishes at home, what makes you think I'm gonna do dishes for y'all?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

City bus philosopher

"A man-child's gotta learn to respect the woman; he's gonna behave the way he's brought up! See, there's a certain way to raise a man-child!... I don't know how to raise no female-child."

the party boat launches

party boater 1: WHOO! Let's get naked! Take it off!
party boater 2: Not yet!
party boater 1: Not yet?!?

Sunday, August 7, 2011


"They had some good stuff, but nothing like American peanut butter!"

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Super Sized

Girl one: You're done already?
Girl two: I threw it away. I only wanted a little bit.
Girl one: What size did you get?
Girl two: Medium.
Girl one: Why didn't you get a small?
Girl two: Cause I always think that a small is going to be, like, ridiculously small.
Girl one: Like a Canadian small.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

at Redbox, discussing a Green Lantern DVD

Know-it-all son: "Duh, mom, it's obviously a cartoon. Look at the cover, it doesn't even have Brian [sic] Reynolds on it!"

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Bitchy mom to bored kids

The kids had wandered over to a lottery ticket vending machine while mom paid for groceries. It had clearly been a long day. Mom: "Get back over here! It's against the law to even touch one of those if you're under eighteen!"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

You have a mouse?

I have something that squeaks all the time. One time it squeaked all day long.

Monday, July 11, 2011

proper office attire

office worker 1: It's cleaning day.
office worker 2: I kinda forgot about that.
office worker 1: But your dress looks fabulous! We need a 360.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

kids at the beach

"Come back! You know I can't go that far out! Plus, there might be sinkholes out there that don't stop! Like, you step in 'em and THEY. DON'T. STOP."

Friday, July 8, 2011

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Happy birthday, indeed

She: I might go to BeerFest on my birthday, but I don't know... It's like thirty-five bucks.
He: Yeah, it's expensive. But you get a LOT of beer.

Monday, July 4, 2011


Dude, this is a fucking Japanese car. How many people do you think I
can fit in here?