early morning on campus

"So I just kept drinking."

riveting performance

Mom to young theater goer: "Well, before you fell asleep, did you like it?"

don't we all?

"I want an iPhone that does my laundry."

Blimpie Burger Virgin

She: I want one patty on a kaiser roll.
He: No you don't.

precious family moments

"I don't know who you think you are. You ain't nothin' but a little baby."

self awareness is a good thing.

"My whole face is a hot mess right now."

sage advice

college student 1: You gotta go with the flow.
college student 2: I can't go with the flow!
college student 1: You have to learn to go with the flow or you'll fail.

didn't expect that answer

As two little kids play with a baby:
Kid 1: Why did you kiss her butt?
Kid 2: Because she smells so delicious!

you're doing it wrong

Drunk guy shouting on the street: I'm trying to be your friend! You won't let me.

A Surprise Party?

Scene: Man and woman with their car parked in the middle of the street. They switch sides of the car. With much anger, she says, "Why are you hiding your phone?!?"

campsite warriors

As sticks clash:
Boy 1: We're samurais!   Boy 2: We're ninjas!

Boy 1: You're in samurai stance.
Boy 2: But I'm using ninja moves on you.

Water park entrance

Mom: Don't poop in the pool. We won't get our money back.

art fair expert

Man gesturing at 100+ artist booths: All down there is more art. But the good art is...

woman in tea shop

"I want all caffeine all the time."

waiting in line on a 100 degree day

Guy returning to line from his car: " There wasn't much water so I thought I should bring some of these [wine coolers]."

more text, less talk

I'm sorry my phone has been giving me problems when people call me.

"These? These are just buckets. Because buckets are useful."

a good question

I wonder if a smooth jazz guy has ever been on hold and heard himself.

she was a young American

10K? What's that?

"I was going to return my costume. But my boyfriend spilled beer on me like six times during the course of the night, so I couldn't return it."

jet propulsion?

"I learned how to fart while I was swimming, but it didn't make me go faster."

required reading?

Student 1: It reads like a radio program.
Student 2: It reads like a Nazi's wet dream!